TP
Once three guys were bragging about how they made their wives work for them.
First guy: I am married to a girl from New Delhi. After I told her to sweep up the house and do the dishes daily, first day She did not do anything. But Second day onwards, she has been doing everything.
Second guy. I am married to a girl from Bombay. After I told her, first day nothing happened. Second day, she did the dishes. And then onwards, she has been doing everything.
Third Guy : I am married to a girl from Punjab. After I told her, First day, I did not see anything. Second day again I did not see anything. Third day. I could see a little from the corner of my left eye after the swelling went down a bit
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One a guy walked in the bar and ordered a drink. As soon as waiter came over with a glass of martini, the guy picked it up and threw it on waiter's face. Before shocked waiter could say anything, the guy started apologizing that he was very sorry and had this wierd habbit of throwing drinks on waiters for a long time now and could not get rid of it. Far from being irrirtated, the waiter felt sympathy for the guy and recommended him a good psychiatrist.
Six months later, waiter sees that guy again in the bar. He walked up to him with a drink. The guy thanked him for telling him about that psychiatrist. THen the guy picked up the glass and tossed the drink on his face. Irritated with the guy's act, the waiter sputtered, "The doctor doesn't seem to be doing any good for you." The guy replied: "No. It did. Now I doesn't embarrass me anymore".
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Once a rabbi and a priest meet after a long time and start their usual bantering.
Rabbi comments: You have not lived enough if you had not tasted Peter Pan's HAM at the street corner. So when are you going to break down and start to have it.
Priest smiles and replies : At your marriage.
DELHI KI KAHANI...
Today got this interesting forward from my friend. Though I hail from Delhi, the stuff below is too good to be kept just as a forward.. :)
Ek din, main Delhi pahuncha,
Station pe ek coolie se bahar jane ka rasta pooncha.
Coolie ne kaha: "Bahar jaake poocho."
Maine khud hi rasta dhundh liya,
Bahar jaake taxiwale se pooncha:
"Bhai saab Lal Kile ka kitna loge?"
Jawab mila: "Bechna nahi hai."
Taxi chod, maine bus pakad li,
Conductor se pooncha: "Ji, kya mein cigarette pi sakta hoon?"
Wo gurrra kar bola: "Hargiz nahi, yaha cigarette pina mana hai."
Maine kaha: "Par wo janab to pi rahe hai!"
Phir se gurrrraya: "Usne mujhse pooncha nahi hai."
Lal Qila pahucha, hotel gaya.
Manager se kaha: "Mujhe room chahiye, satvi manzil pe."
Manager ne kaha: "Rahane ke liye ya koodne ke liye?"
Room pahucha, waiter se kaha:
"Ek paani ka gilas milega?"
Usne jawab diya: "Nahi sahab, yahan to saare kanch ke milte hain."
Hotel se nikla, dost ke ghar jaane ke liye,
Raste me ek sahab se pooncha:
"Janab, ye sadak kaha ko jaati hai?"
Janab hans kar bole: "Peechle bees saal se dekh rahan hoon,
Yahi padi hai... kahin nahi jaati."
Dost ke ghar pahucha, to mujhe dekhte hi chownk pada,
Usne poocha: "Kaise aana hua?"
Ab tak to mujhe bhi aadat pad gayi thi,
Maine bhi jawab diya: "Train se."
Meri aaobhagat karne ke liye dost ne apni biwi se kaha:
"Areeee sunti ho... mera dost pehli baar ghar aaya hai,
Use kuch taja taja khilao."
Sunte hi bhabhiji ne ghar ki sari khidkiya aur darwaje khol diye.
Kaha: "Taji hawa kha lijiye."
Dost ne phir se baday pyar se biwi se kaha:
"Areeee sunti ho, inhe jara apna chalis saal purana achaar to dikhana."
Bhabiji ek baatli me rakha achar le aayi.
Maine bhi apnapan dikhate hue bhabiji se kaha:
"Bhabhiji, achar sirf dikhayengi, chakhayengi nahi?"
Bhabiji ne taak jawab diya: "Yuhi agar sab ko chakhati
To aachar chalis saal purana kaise hota?"
Thodi der baad dekha, bhabiji apne potey ko sula rahi thi,
Saath me lori bhi ga rahi thi:
"Diploma so ja, diploma so ja."
Lori soon mein hairan hua aur dost se poocha:
"Yaar, ye diploma kya hai?"
Dost ne jawab diya: "Mere grandson ka naam,
Beti bambai gayi thi, diploma lene ke liye
Aur saath mein ise le aayi,
Isiliye hamne iska naam Diploma rakh diya."
Phir maine pooncha: "Aajkal tumhari beti kya kar rahi hai?"
Dost ne jawab diya: "Bambai gayi hai, degree lene ke liye."
George Carlin's Quips
Ads in Bills:Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank you."
Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
Cripes
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes.' For Cripe's sake. Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh?' of the church of 'Holy Moly.' I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'how can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
Pregnancy:
It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, 'Oh my god. He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?' I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my god...give me your hand...It won't be long now..."
Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen'. You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
Reverse Life Cycle:
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way.
Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you got to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alchohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no r esponsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating...you finish off as a gleam.
Prisons:
Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house! I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours
a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
Award Shows:
Can you believehow many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards. A whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.
Phone-in Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% "I don't know". It costs 90 cents to call up and vote...They're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into phone) I DON'T KNOW! (hangs up, looking proud) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95. (into phone) "I'm not in the mood."
Answering Machine:
Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love. '"Beep." "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling...Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love."
Another INSIGHT on driving in India
This hilarious article was written by a Dutchman from Baan, Netherlands who spent two years in Hyderabad, India, as a visiting expert. Driving in India: For the benefit of every Tom, Dick and Harry visitingIndia and daring to drive on Indian roads, I am offering a few hints for survival. They are applicable to every place in India except Bihar,where life outside a vehicle is only marginally safer. Indian road rules broadly operate within the domain of karma where youdo your best, and leave the results to your insurance company. The hints are as follows: Do we drive on the left or right of the road? The answer is "both". Basically you start on the left of the road, unless it is occupied.In that case, go to the right, unless that is also occupied. Then proceed by occupying the next available gap, as in chess. Just trust your instincts, ascertain the direction, and proceed. Adherence to road rules leads to much misery and occasional fatality. Most drivers don't drive, but just aim their vehicles in the generally intended direction.
Don't you get discouraged or underestimate yourself except for a beliefin Reincarnation - the other drivers are not in any better position. Don't stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants to cross the road. You may do so only if you enjoy being bumped in the back.
Pedestrians have been strictly instructed to cross only when traffic ismoving slowly or has come to a dead stop because some minister is intown. Still some idiot may try to wade across, but then, let us not talk ill of the dead. Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some countries. We horn to express joy, resentment, frustration, romance and bare lust (two brisk blasts),or just mobilize a dozing cow in the middle of the bazaar. Keep informative books in the glove compartment. You may read them during traffic jams, while awaiting the chief minister's motorcade, or waiting for the rainwaters to recede when overground traffic meets underground drainage.
Occasionally you might see what looks like a UFO with blinkingcoloredlights and weird sounds emanating from within. This is anilluminated bus, full of happy pilgrims singing bhajans. These pilgrimsgo at breakneck speed, seeking contact with the Almighty, often meetingwith success.Auto Rickshaw (Baby Taxi): The result of a collision between a rickshaw and an automobile, this three-wheeled vehicle works on an externalcombustion engine that runs on a mixture of kerosene oil and creosote.This triangular vehicle carries iron rods, gas cylinders or passengersthree times its weight and dimension, at an unspecified fare. Aftercareful geometric calculations, children are folded and packed intothese auto rickshaws until some children in the periphery are not in contact with the vehicle at all. Then their school bags are pushed into the microscopic gaps all round so those minor collisions with other vehicles on the road cause no permanent damage. Of course, the peripheral children are charged half the fare and also learn Newton's laws of motion enroute to school. Auto-rickshaw drivers follow the road rules depicted in the film Ben Hur, and are licensed to irritate.
Mopeds:The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and makes noise like an electric shaver. It runs 30 miles on a teaspoon of petrol andtravels at break-bottom speed. As the sides of the road are too rough for a ride, the moped drivers tend to drive in the middle of the road; they would rather drive under heavier vehicles instead of around them and are often "mopped" off the tarmac.
Leaning Tower of Passes: Most bus passengers are given free passes andduring rush hours, there is absolute mayhem. There are passengershanging off other passengers, who in turn hang off the railings and theoverloaded bus leans dangerously, defying laws of gravity but obeying laws of surface tension. As drivers get paid for overload (so many Rupees per kg of passenger), no questions are ever asked. Steer clear of these buses by a width of three passengers.
One-way Street:These boards are put up by traffic people to add jest intheir otherwise drab lives. Don't stick to the literal meaning andproceed in one direction. In metaphysical terms, it means that you cannot proceed in two directions at once. So drive as you like, in reverse throughout, if you are the fussy type. Least I sound hypercritical, I must add a positive point also. Rash and fast driving in residential areas has been prevented by providing a "speed breaker" two for each house. This mound, incidentally, covers the water and drainage pipes for that residence and is left untarred for easy identification by the corporation authorities, should they want to recover the pipe for year-end accounting.
Night driving on Indian roads can be an exhilarating experience forthose with the mental make up of Ghenghis Khan. In a way, it is like playing Russian roulette, because you do not know who amongst the drivers is loaded. What looks like premature dawn on the horizon turns out to be a truck attempting a speed record. On encountering it, just pull partly into the field adjoining the road until the phenomenon passes.Our roads do not have shoulders, but occasional boulders. Do not blinkyour lights expecting reciprocation. The only dim thing in thetruck isthe driver, and with the peg of illicit arrack (alcohol) he has had at the last stop, his total cerebral functions add up to littlemore than anaught. Often you may encounter a single powerful beam of light aboutsix feet above the ground. This is not a super motorbike, but a truckapproaching you with a single light on, usually the left one. It couldbe the right one, but never get too close to investigate. You may proveyour point posthumously. Of course, all this occurs at night,on the trunk roads. During the daytime, trucks are more visible, except that the driverswill never show any Signal. (And you must watch for the absent signals; they are the greater threat). Only, you will often observe that the cleaner who sits next to the driver, will project his hand and wave hysterically. This is definitely not to be construed as a signal for a left turn. The waving is just an statement of physical relief on a hot day. If, after all this, you still want to drive in India, have your lessons between 8 pm and 11 am-when the police have gone home and - The citizen is then free to enjoy the 'FREEDOM OF SPEED' enshrined in the constitution.Having said all this, isn't it true that the accident rate and related deaths are less India compared to US or other countries!!??
ANGER MANAGEMENT AT ITS VERY BEST
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and youjust need to take it out on someone, don't take it outon someone you know, take it out on someone you don'tknow.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phonecall I had forgotten to make. I found the number anddialed it.
A man answered, saying, "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Andrew. Could I please speakwith Robin Carter?"
Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn'tbelieve that anyone could be so rude.
I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her.I had transposed the last two digits of her phonenumber.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled,"You're an a**h***!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' nextto it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or hada really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're ana**h***!"
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought mytherapeutic 'a**h***' calling would have to stop. So,I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smithfrom the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see ifyou're familiar with the Caller ID program?"
He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's becauseyou're an a**h***!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull intoa parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me offand pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. Ihit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting forthe spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale"sign in his car window ... so, I wrote down hisnumber.
A couple of days later, right after calling the firsta**h***, I had his number on speed dial), I thought Ihad better call the BMW a**h***, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?""Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellowhouse, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen,"he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm homeevery evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an a**h***."
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial,too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two a**h*** tocall.
But after several months of calling them, it wasn't asenjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with anidea. I called a**h*** #1.
"Hello."
"You're an a**h***!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
" a**h***, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellowhouse, with my black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you hadbetter start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a**h***."
Then I called a**h*** #2.
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, a**h***," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are?"
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your a**," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, a**h***, here's your chance. I'mcoming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police,saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and thatI was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war goingdown on West 34th Street.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34thstreet.
There I saw two a**h*** beating the crap out of eachother in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter,and news crew.
NOW, I feel better
Anger management at it's very best.
